disclaimer
sorry this isnt really conventional, and that this is public and all, i just really want to shout in the void and not have this be dragged into my irl, so here goes nothing. anyone that knows me and isnt close friends with me (we have called and i have vented/had meaningful conversation with you) please leave, i dont want anyone that can trace this back to me knowing about this that i cant trust or isnt close to me, so here goes nothing. welcome, to my e-diary i suppose. i just wanted to put this all somewhere after all. please bear with me. text always goes easier than words when trying to convey feelings for me due to my autism, so sorry if this sounds dramatic or contrived, my thoughts are weird.
privacy
whenever i lock my door and my parents find out theyd get mad at me for having trust issues and how I shouldnt be hiding anything from them, at points threatening to remove my door again, when they gave me trust issues about my privacy in the first place by removing my door in the first place. over me locking it 2 times. since ive actually fucking gotten my door back, its habit to lock it because it feels like nothing can be private anymore. and then they take away my door again which just makes things worse, rinse and repeat. i just want privacy in my own room. everything always feels so suffocating with them around, i just want out. my room is my only place for that, ive holed up there for days on end, and i would longer if i could. is this normal? i hope not.
melting down and shutting down
theyre 2 seperate things on the surface. but inside it feels the same. the difference is how i handle it. both methods suck. both feel like a swirling whirlwind of emotions ready to take me off my feet and throw me into the nearest ocean. bad metaphor. its like 1000s of voices at once shouting and screaming and telling you what to do and they all somehow have conflicting voices and you just want the typhoon in your mind to stop but it wont stop. cant stop. it could happen any time. one time, during last period a kid ran off with my phone as a 'joke' and i remember the immediate reaction. 1000s of thoughts screaming to 'beat his shit!' 'try to resolve this kindly, remember what ms. heidi told you' that one never wins. and of course the classic 'give up. you wont change anything. wwhat good will it do. this is like all the other times, youll just mess this up and get rumors circulating again, and lord knows youve already got enough of those circling around you'. but its always 2 voices that win. nothing sane or rational happens. because im not sane or rational. its either 'give up. its better than trying.' or 'SNAP.' snap cann range in severity, but it involves judging glares, whispered rumors, and hurting people. it was worse when id snap at home, often yelling, no screaming at my own mother, the same one that kisses me and tucks me in at night.
guilt
after everything, there will always be guilt. sometimes i just regret coming into peoples lives. when i snap in public, i can hear everything. people dont know how in tune my ears are, how aware i am to the world. i hear every whisper of 'poor mother, nobody deserves to be stuck with someone like that awful child' 'oh i feel so bad for the child, shes clearly 'special'' and 'why doesnt that mother learn to discipline her child, she needs to be more strict' but they dont understand. they never will. i would often cry myself to sleep thinking about what id done to my own mother, the same one that would sing to me her favorite song every night before i would go to sleep, the same one i would hug to go to school every morning, the one person that might have ever even tried to get me, but theres a pattern. i just keep pushing everyone away. everyone thatd care, the people generally around me, it doesnt matter. it eats away at me all the same.
what if i wasnt here
after extreme meltdowns, or in a reflecting period, i ponder what life would be like if i never existed to fuck things up in the first place. life would go on. the passing of time the same. i will never matter or be anyone big. just another person in a sea of people after all. it would honestly be better off if i werent, but everyone would be sad if i were gone, or at least everyone that doesnt hate me. which isnt many people aparently. but if i wasnt here to begin with, maybe my mom wouldnt be so stressed, maybe they wouldnt argue like that. i wouldnt be causing all the problems i cause for them already at least. if i wasnt here maybe theyd have a normal child, a normal life, not one filled with anger and regret. things would be different. and i wouldnt have to go through this at least, though the nature of me writing this means i exist which is a bit of a letdown.
emotions
often times i feel hollow. empty. like im missing something everyone else has. am i supposed to go from feeling emotionally numb to shouting and screaming in seconds? feeling like im just floating through life with no true purpose and in an instant im shouting and screaming at people, wether i like them or not. let me rephrase that. if it isnt a lash out, saying i feel empty would be an understatement. not neatral. like nothings there. sometimes this goes on for long periods of time, only stopped by strong emotions. these are usually negative in nature, mainly concerning anger. anger is how i let everything out. i wasnt taught how to deal with my emotions or my autism, so they evolved into this slurry of bad traits that i wouldnt wish upon anyone. my autsim therapy made everything worse. it taught me anger was bad, i should feel guilty, that anger isnt healthy. but i didnt have any other method of dealing with any emotion. so id just lash out, feel terrible, and slowly over time it would evolve into a slurry of self loathing for who i am. so you could say in my empty neutral i feel a twang of constant self hatred, to remind myself that i am scum, that i shouldnt be allowed to walk this earth, to have friends, to be happy.
am i really me
on paper its simple. i am [NAME REDACTED] from nowhere-ohio. but other than that, i never feel like im myself half the time. my entire thing for a while while i was in autism therapy was puns, it felt like the only way i could connect to the adults around me at the time. and joking stuck with me. problem was, offen id use it to hide this feeling of emptiness, to pretend it isnt there. but it always feels like a facade. i dont know who i even am anymore, after all this time under a mask. i joke to hide the pain, to hide the lonliness, to hide the emptiness. anything to not think about it. but when im not joking, its there ever present. always there, looming over me. knowing. that nobody knows me for who i am, just the facade. i act carefree and like ive never thought of a thing in my life, like its all easy for me. but its not. but nobody likes the real me. back to being fake me i go. at least people like fake me.
trust
i cant trust anyone. every time i have ive been let down. so i learn to not trust anyone. build up my walls so high and strong it doesnt matter if nobody can get in, when nobodys taking them down. i mentioned earlier the facade thing. i always act carefree, like nothing affect me. but it does. but people dont like me when im serious, trust me ive tried. i feel like i can never talk to anyone about my problems, that i need t fix things myself, make myself at least somewhat useful to others. id hate to drag them down with me. so i am the wall. i listen to them all vent, i empathize, and try to be caring but im never there for it. i always feel distant. like it isnt me, but someone else pretending to be me. i know im there, but am i really? i dont feel things when people are sad or crying, at most im just confused as to why. my friend once prilled her guts to me about her abusive home life and what can i do? i get its good to help but i should feel something about it right? not just the same emptiness ive always felt, right?
autism therapy
coming soon.
a note to whom it concerns
i am not who you think i am. again coming soon. but for now, i will sleep at last.